#917
<Mickey pounds on Lita's door.>
Date: 10/31/2001
From: Carmelita9000
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Mickey: *BANG!!!* *BANG!!!* *BANG!!!* Hey, Lita! *BANG!!!* *BANG!!!* *BANG!!!* Come out here! I gotta tell you something!!! *BANG!!!* *BANG!!!* *BANG!!!*
<Lita opens her door just enough to her head out. Lots of aggressively angry music emanates from the darkened room behind her. Lita's hair is disheveled. She's wearing dark, torn, smelly clothing, and an unusual amount of black eye-makeup, the effect of which is not at all improved by the black lipstick. She glowers at Mickey.>
Lita: What the hell do you want?
Mickey: <cheerfully> Hey, guess what! Pharaoh Mobius is alive again! That means we can plot against him some more!
Lita: Oh. He's alive, huh? Well, isn't that just peachy?
<Lita hits Mickey with a dirty look so intense that it may as well have been a sack of bricks. His smile falters a bit, but he's persistent.>
Mickey: But… I thought you wanted PM to be alive… you know? So we can keep plotting against him? Right?
<Ok. That's true. Lita knows it. But it doesn't improve her mood any to be told so.>
Lita: SHUT UP!!!
<She slams the door in Mickey's face. Which hurts. He probably shouldn't have been leaning in so close.>
Mickey: Would it help if I took off my pants?
Lita: <From somewhere inside her room.> NO!!!
Mickey: Darn!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup.
isn't taking any crap!!!
Sorry for the length of this reply, but there's no class today,
and I have nowhere to be until tomorrow morning.
grandmapa's probably listening in on PM's evil scheme riiiight now. I don't remember anybody ever throwing him out of MSTBlanca.
#918
Uh oh.
Date: 10/31/2001
From: Rimferatu
Rim: I'm not sure but I think Lita is mad about the Vampire Goddess not allowing her to watch vampire based programming and Rimmi is able to watch copiuos amounts of vampire based programming and she talks about it all the time and Lita can't listen. <breathe!> Anyway, that's why she's gone all goth and scary. IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!!!! <Rimmi begins to cry on Mickey's shoulder>
<She's also crying because we won't make it to reply 1000 by midnight.>
#919
Evil Mike: But look at it this way.
Date: 10/31/2001
From: Carmelita9000
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
EM: At least if anybody comes by tomorrow night to try to free Nabut, she'll totally kick the crap out of them. Maybe I should sell tickets. Hey, Lita's not in here. Why aren't you crying on *my* shoulder?
Mickey: Hey, don't try to take advantage of Rimmi in her weak moment. She's vulnerable right now, and she doesn't need a predator like you trying to put the moves on her. There, there Rimmer. You can just cry over here, on me. Do you want me to pull my pants down?
Rimmer: *sniff* No.
Mickey: Ok. I'm just trying to help with the healing process.
<Suddenly, there's a lot of noise upstairs. Sounds like Lita's knocking over furniture in her room.>
Tork: Maybe I should go talk to her.
EM: Nah. Trust me. You don't want to get involved with that.
Lita
WHY, GODDESS OF VAMPIRE BASED PROGRAMMING? WHY???
#920
I'm still around, and I still...
Date: 10/31/2001
From: MSTzilla
...love ya Rims.
The first time I saw MST3K, I was getting ready to go out and saw a Gamera movie on Comedy Central. I was surprised and then saw the little guys in the corner. I've been hooked ever since.
Hope this helps ya, Rich
#921
Mickey: Alright, Rimmer...
Date: 11/01/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
ddddddddddddddddddddddddd
Do you think you could go cry on Tork for a minute? I got an idea.
Evil Mike: You know, I'm standing right here.
Mickey: Yep. And you're doing a damn fine job. (Per Mickey's request, Rimmer has started crying on Tork's shoulders. Mickey goes upstairs and once again pounds on Lita's door)
Mickey: NOW LISTEN HERE, MISS LITA POOPYPANTS!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DEAL IS, BUT YOU BETTER STOP ACTING LIKE THIS.
Lita: WHY?
Mickey: WELL, FOR ONE THING, THIS ISN'T YOUR ROOM.
Lita: BITE ME!
Mickey: You know, I don't get to watch any vampire related programming either, and since no one in my town gets UPN or WB, I can't get it taped like you. But do you hear me bitching about it?
Lita: YEAH. You're bitching about it right now.
Mickey: True.
Lita: GOT YOU THERE.
Mickey: Yeah, you did. That really hurt. (Mickey starts to cry. The big baby.) I'm going back downstairs.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend To All
Oh fine, Lita. Rub your day off in everyone's face. Well, I've got a day off today. Nyah-nyah.
#922
My shoulders are wet.
Date: 11/01/2001
From: Tork_110
< Tork now has Rimmer and Mickey crying on his shoulders. >
Tork: I know you are all upset, but think about it. You exposed PM's weakness: he's too stupid to notice that someone's killing him. And Rimmer, 920 is pretty good for a post, plus you can claim you killed your enemy at least once. And Mickey, Lita is bound to beat up someone, and with the nachos you make, it can't be you.
< Tork secretly poins at EM >
Tork: So, are we going to give up Nabut without a fight or are we going to just release him?
I always wear my pants. You'll thank me for that fact.
#923
<laughs mechanically>
Date: 11/01/2001
From: shecreature
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
she .oO I would be laughing meniacally ... menighaclly ... menyaclee ... if I could spell it. I also have no idea why I'm laughing at all. If I was part of the storyline, there would be a reason. Of course, each time I reply I add to the total, reason or not. Rim might have missed the 1000 replies by Halloween goal, but maybe she can get 2000 by Thanksgiving.
she
Thinking of a way to write herself into the story
#924
(Wiping tears and barely keeping
Date: 11/01/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
his composure)
Mickey: OK, so that plan didn't work...
Evil Mike: What plan?
Mickey: Well, I would've got to it if Lita wasn't so mean. But this plan is foolproof. I'm in charge now.
Rimmer: Who made you in charge?
Mickey: Oh come on, everyone's gotten to be in charge except me. It's my turn...
Evil Mike: I never got to be in charge.
Mickey: Well, Evil Mike, you want to be in charge, or do you want to continue being the mantoy?
Evil Mike: The mantoy, of course.
Mickey: Alright, than. (under his breath) You know, it seems kind of unfair. Where was I when they voted for mantoy? (normal voice) So heres what we do...
(seconds later, Mickey's arms are full, with a cd player, "Achtung Baby", nachos, booze, booze, booze, booze, booze, and more booze.
Rimmer: Oh, brilliant plan. I could've come up with that, you know.
Mickey: Oh yeah...one more thing. Tork...remove Evil Mike's...(shudder)...towel.
(Tork covers his eyes and VOILA! Evil Mike's naked...again)
Evil Mike: Hey!
Mickey: Now march your ass upstairs, mister.
(Tork whips Evil Mike with the towel, and the group heads upstairs. Evil Mike leads, and Mickey does his best not to look directly in front of him. Lita's door is unlocked for some reason, and Mickey, without warning, flings the door open and throws in the items he's gathered like a zookeeper feeding the lions. I'm not throwing Evil Mike in though, he can walk. Evil Mike walks in, but not untill Tork whips him with the towel again.)
Mickey: There. Now all we have to do is wait.
Tork: Does it matter that it sounds like she's still throwing furniture?
Mickey: Ummmmmmmm....no. She'll calm down eventually. In fact, my plan isn't done yet. Have you noticed that Rimmer isn't here?
Tork: No, I haven't. I don't think you noticed it either. You skipped it in the exposition.
Mickey: Hey, you want to be a wise-ass, or do you want to keep the biggest part you've ever had in our story?
Tork: Sorry.
(Rimmer returns from wherever the hell she went. She's carrying a vcr, and a tape of this weeks Angel and Buffy, as well as all those other vampire related programs, like Survivor: Transylvania, Everybody Loves Dracula, and of course, 60 Minutes. Mickey throws those in the room, too)
Mickey: Well, I don't feel like waiting at the door. Who wants me to make nachos?
Rimmer: Me!
Tork: Me too!
Evil Mike: (from inside the room that Lita's in) Me to...ooph...just got hit by a couch. Can you believe how strong this girl is? Hey, are you even still there?
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
60 Minutes. Get it? Because they're so old and...ah, nevermind.
#925
<A couple minutes pass.>
Date: 11/01/2001
From: Carmelita9000
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
<Evil Mike comes back out of Lita's room, rubbing his head>
EM: We've got a problem, guys.
Rimmer: What's that?
EM: Well, I was going to turn on the CD. Usually any U2 music calms her down real fast. And Achtung Baby is practically her favorite album. But before I even got a chance, she kicked the stereo into the wall and broke it. I don't even think she ever knew which album I was going to play. So then I decided to give her some booze, right? She loves booze! And nachos! But it turns out that was a mistake. She drank the booze, which just made her even more aggressive… imagine that! And she threw the nachos at me! I politely suggested we watch some Buffy together, in the buff. <Evil Mike chuckles at his little pun, while everybody else groans.> But then she yelled something at me about basketball, and why must we all torment her. So I grabbed her ass and suggested something else we could do… she yelled at me, and kicked me really hard in the groinitological area. Then she jumped out the window.
Mickey: She WHAT???
EM: She jumped out the window.
Rimmer: Are you sure you didn't push her out the window?
<Evil Mike suddenly becomes very interested in a piece of fuzz on the floor.>
Tork: Is she all right?
<Rimmer rushes to the window and looks down.>
Rimmer: There's no sign of her. Apparently she didn't break her legs or die or anything. I guess she just ran off.
Mickey: But where would she run off to? There's nowhere to go.
Rimmer: I don't think she would leave the grounds.
Tork: Should we look for her?
EM: You seem to have a death wish. You look for her. I'd hate to meet up with her, considering the mood she's in.
Rimmer: It's hard to say. It seems like somebody should look for her, but she's completely irrational, and now she's drunk too. It would sure be dangerous for anybody to meet up with her. You know, any intruders or anybody.
EM: Who the hell cares about intruders? What about us???
Rimmer: She wouldn't hurt us.
EM: How do you know?
Rimmer: Ok. Maybe she would hurt us. But we need to worry about any impending break-ins at the moment. We can fix Lita's brain later.
Tork: I wonder where she is. Think she might have come back in the front door?
Mickey: Maybe we should try not to think about that.
EM: Yeah, she's armed with a broken booze bottle. Right now, I'm thinking about how you snapped that towel at me, Mickey.
Mickey: Did I do that?
<Due to violent content, sensitive viewers may not wish to read the next few posts. Everybody else should probably like them a lot.>
Insane Lita
Crazy Bitch
President of the Let's Kill Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the Death to Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Straightjacket
is not quite right
The blood of my victims will cleanse the earth!
P.S. It is too my room! I have to sleep somewhere. Maybe the castle isn't mine, but whichever room I'm living in is my room! SO THERE!!!
#926
Mickey: Evil Mike, are you ok?
Date: 11/02/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
EM: Yeah, Mickey. Why do you ask?
Mickey: Tork snapped you with the towel. Not me.
Tork (nervously): Lies, all lies. I wouldn't do that.
EM: Mickey, you're my favorite punching bag. (punches Mickey) See? Of course I'd blame you, even if Tork did it.
Mickey: Well, he did do it. Anyway, you all have fun looking for Lita. I'll stay to guard the castle from intruders.
Rimmer: You sure you don't want to help us look?
Mickey: Very sure. I'm done dealing with "it". I hate to sound like a typical male, but it must be that ti(Rimmer covers Mickey's mouth)
Rimmer: Don't even say it. You'll just make things worse. Trust me. (removes her hand)
Mickey: Your hand tastes like nachos.
EM: What I don't understand is, I was naked. The sight of me naked usually snaps her out of it.
Tork: Well, maybe if you weren't naked 905 of the time...
EM: What did you say, Mickey?
Mickey: I DIDN'(too late) OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Will never understand women.
What, you disappointed? Thought there'd be more violence like Lita warned you about? Hey, I got punched. Twice. That's violent enough. Now take it or leave it, you big babies.
#927
Mickey's phone rings...
Date: 11/02/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
RRRRIIIINNNGGGG!!!!
Mickey: Odd? Who could be calling me at 2:51 in the morning (True, we have no idea where we are, but I'm going by my time. You got a problem with that? Picks up phone) Hello? Hey, Evil Mike? How's the search going> What? This isn't about the search? Well, of course I'm concerned...Why the hell would *you* be calling me at this late an hour if it wasn't about the search? Uh-huh...uh-oh...
(Mickey hangs up the phone. Looks like Evil Mike's up to his own tricks again. Hey, it's been a while. Let the guy have his fun. Animals start pouring into the castle)
Mickey: I gotta get out of here. (sees monitor) Oh, damn it. There's still a Lita Clone and Cave Rimmer, and Nabut. Well, I could leave Nabut, that'd teach PM a lesson. Not replying in time. Work or no work. That's never stopped me before. No, I'm too nice a guy (Runs down to the dungeon. Soon, Mickey runs out the door, followed closely by the Lita Clone, Cave Rimmer, and a tied up Nabut, who's being carried).
Cow (from inside the castle): What about moooooeee, you moooooooooooron?
Mickey: Oh right. Hey you are here! That's great...I guess. Stupid trash talking cow...
(Mickey runs back in to get the cow, and runs out, but just behind him...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!)
Mickey: Oh, that Evil Mike!!!
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
You know, *this* Lita (I forgot which one she was) still likes me.
#928
[Mickey and group are outside...
Date: 11/02/2001
From: Nabut
<<<Captive Mode>>>
[...the exploded castle, generally looking upset, annoyed, and out of sorts. Mickey coughs and stands up, holding the Figgybottom the Cow.]
[Mickey] Darn that Evil Mike!
[Lita Clone] So, what should we do now?
[Cave Rimmer] We should go to this universe's Rimmer's house. We can regroup there and decide what to do with our prisoner.
[Figgybottom] Could somoo-body get moo-e out of this moo-oron's hands? The smoo-ell like nachos, and I'moo lactose intolerant!!!
[Mickey] But you're a cow. How can you be lactose intolerant?
[Figgybottom] I'moo the spirit of an Englishmoo-an imoo-prisoned in a tiny ceramoo-ic knicknack that resemoo-bles a cow. I amoo NOT an actual cow!
[Mickey] Whatever. I think Cave Rimmer's right; we can't leave Nabut out in the open like this.
[The five (well, four carrying one tied-up captive) make their way through the deep forest in the rolling foothills of some unnamed mountain range. After all, castles are nearly always built in areas of breathtaking, majestic, primeval beauty, unless they're White Castles. After a few hour's travel, they stop to rest.]
[Lita Clone] Why couldn't we have taken a car? I'm tired!
[Cave Rimmer] All the vehicles in the castle were destroyed when it blew up. All thanks to your deranged boyfriend.
[Lita Clone] Hee hee! He *is* cute, isn't he?
[Cave Rimmer and Mickey share a look of incredulity.]
[Suddenly, an inhuman roar fills the air. The group freezes, listening as they now can hear gargantuan footsteps growing ever nearer.]
[Cave Rimmer] No! This cannot be...
[Mickey] What?
[Cave Rimmer] Wait for it...
[A gigantic Tyranosaurus Rex crashes into the clearing, baring its dagger-like teeth in a bloodcurdling roar! Cave Rimmer jumps up, brandishing a crude-yet-very-effective-looking spear.]
[Cave Rimmer] Run, all of you! I'll hold him of-- [She looks over her shoulder to see that the others have already run, leaving Nabut behind.] No, you idiots! You need to take the prisoner with you!
[Mickey comes back very reluctantly, picks Nabut up in a fireman's carry, and runs again. Stealing glances over his shoulder as he runs, he can see Cave Rimmer doing a very impressive series of flips and spear-thrusts which are serving to keep her on equal footing with her giant reptilian foe. Mickey runs for five minutes, but doesn't see hide or hair of either Lita Clone or Figgybottom. Out of breath, Mickey unceremoniously drops Nabut to the ground.
[Nabut, gagged.] MMMMMMPPHHH!!!
[Mickey] Sorry. You're just too damn heavy for me to run with like that. Let me catch my breath for a minute, and we'll go find the others.
[As Mickey starts to sit down on the ground, he hears a branch snap and a low, raspy growl. He jumps to his feet and brandishes... a plate of nachos. What?!? He wasn't expecting to need any weapons.]
[Mickey] Niiice dinosaur! Come out, come out, wherever you are! I've got nachos for you!
[Dinosaur Voice] Oooh, nachos!
[Mickey] Du--HUH?!? [Mickey does a double-take as he sees a shadowy figure emerge from the thick forest. He can't tell for sure, but it looks human, and like it's carrying a big box on its chest with a microphone-like thing pointing up to the figure's head. As it draws closer Mickey recognizes the figure with a start.] Pharaoh Mobius!!!
[PM, still in dinosaur voice.] That's right, Mickey. Who else would it b-- Oh, stupid Voice-o-Tron! [He fiddles with a few switches, then begins talking in his normal voice.] That's better. Anyway, who else would it be?
[Mickey] Well that explains what dinosaurs are doing in a primeval, vaguely Europey forest. But how did you know we'd be out here?
[PM fiddles with a few more switches, and begins talking in Evil Mike's voice.] Someone gave me a tip that the castle would be blown up by small, furry animals.
[Mickey] So it was YOU!!1!
[PM] Of course! MUUUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! [He fiddles with some more switches, and talks in his own voice again.] What better way to get Nabut out of the castle without arousing suspicion? I knew I could count on you to play the hero, Mickey. I can always count on *someone* to play the hero.
[Mickey] Well get this, Mobius! You may have tricked me, but this "hero" can still set things right! [He throws the nachos at PM, and runs in the opposite direction, only to run in to Nabut.] YOU?!? But how--
[Disembodied Voice] Let's just sat the cat had a little unseen help. [Sam Casey materializes on the other side of Mickey.]
[Mickey] A cat? Where?!? I'm allergic!!!
[Sam, shaking his head.] What a turkey.
[Mickey starts to shout for help, but he's quickly gagged and tied up. PM puts a tiny hologram projector on Mickey and pushes a button. With a flash of light, Mickey looks like Nabut. He then pulls out a tiny capsule, which he twists and throws on the ground. With a puff of smoke, the capsule turns into a Mickey-sized robot. PM then pushes a button on the robot's forehead, and the robot looks like Mikey.
[PM, to robot.] Pass yourself off as Mickey, and go along with their plan to go to Rimmer's house.
[Robot Mickey] Will do, Master.
[PM, Sam, and Nabut get into PM's Sky Chariot. PM can be heard within the chariot. "Stop spitting on me!" Nabut can be heard to reply, "I can't help it! Take off your hat, Peach Pit!". "I'm going to have to do something about that conditioning," PM says as they fly off.]
[Robot Mickey] EVERYONE! WHERE ARE YOU?
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Sarcophagus!
#929
<Lita's crashing around in the woods.>
Date: 11/02/2001
From: Carmelita9000
{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}
<She hasn't seen the castle blow up, but it probably wouldn't bother her if she did.>
Lita: Stupid rock! Stupid tree! Stupid ground! Stupid…*gulp* …horse…
<Lita runs away from the horse, just knowing it's planning to kick her. All horses are against her! She runs straight into Buffalo. She doesn't know why he's in the forest, or what he's doing there. (For that matter, it's quite possible Buffalo doesn't know either.) She really doesn't care. She's just thinking about how he's against her. They're all against her. And after all the nice things she's done for them! She'll make them pay… You know. She's thinking unhealthy thoughts like that.>
Buffalo: Well hallo theyre Little Lahdy! Ah didn't ahxpehct to meet ahnybody out here!
Lita: Quit talking like an idiot, you moron!
Buffalo: Ahm tahlkin lahk ah regulahr guy! It's everybahdy ahlse that caint tahlk rahght! Hey, why is your dang 'ol cheek twitchin' lahke thaht?
<Geez, Buffalo's dialogue is hard to type. Courage, Lita….>
Lita: Old? I'm not old, you jerk! I'm in the flower of my youth! You're the one that's old!
Buffalo: Hey! Ahm naht old neither! Ahm thuh saim age ahs you! Ahm 23!
Lita: I'm not 23! And neither are you!!
Buffalo: Yah Ah ahm!
Lita: YOU ARE NOT!!! STOP LYING TO ME!!!
Buffalo: Ah ahm!
Lita: What is your problem? You're way older than 23! Were you too stupid to ever learn to count or something?
<Buffalo stops smiling. His lower lip quivers, and his eyes fill with tears.>
Buffalo: Taint mah fault. Ah was jus niver ahny good ayt maith is all. Ah always got baid graihds. Thuther kiyds maid fun of me. *sniff*
<Yes, I realize Buffalo's accent is taking a train all over the States. Just suspend some disbelief, all right?>
Lita: Really? I always had trouble with math too. It was my worst subject.
Buffalo: Is thaht true? If we hahve that in common, mahybe thay's ahther stuff tou. Mahybe ahr appinion ahn New England Journalists?
Lita: Hey, yeah!
Buffalo: You know, yahyre rahl purty.
Lita: You're probably not… entirely repulsive. Maybe. If I close my eyes.
Buffalo: Cahn Ah cahll you Cupcake II?
Lita: Ok.
<Buffalo is still crying, but now his tears have turned from those of sadness and hurt to those of joy and love. He and Lita move closer. Closer. Closer. Their lips are almost touching. And Lita kicks him in the stomach. That bitch!>
Buffalo: OOF!!!
Lita: QUIT CRYING, YOU PANSY!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
<Lita runs off to look for more trouble, or, failing that, to create some herself. Buffalo just lies on the ground, clutching his stomach, and crying softly to himself.>
Buffalo: Oh, thaht Cupcake II… She broke mah heart, and mah epiglahtis.
<Apparently Buffalo thinks his epiglottis is in his stomach. Nobody is around to tell him he's wrong. Somewhere out there, in that big, wide, world, an anatomy teacher is crying too.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
thinks if Mickey wants to know what time of the month it is,
he should look at a calendar.
BTW, The Lita clone you guys are running around with is Lita 42. And she doesn't have anything going with Evil Mike. She would never do that to me! Unless she's against me too…
#930
(Mickey's gag loosens)
Date: 11/02/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mickey: Are you sure you want to do this? I make a lousy hostage. What are you going to do, hold me for ransom? Silly Pharoah, no one's going to pay for me.
PM: SHUT UP!!!
Mickey: No, and another thing...I haven't had any soup in days, and I don't think my dietary requirements can handle all those nachos. I'll eat your bar out of buisness.
PM: SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!
Mickey: Plus, there's the fact that Lita's on an insane, murderous, rampage. Well, I don't think she's murdered anyone, maybe a few cute fuzzy animals, but I don't think she could bring herself to...
PM: SHUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mickey: Nope. Now if you excuse me (clears throat and starts...oh no) IN THE NOT TO DISTANT FUTURE...
Sam: TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!!!
Mickey: Oh you don't like that song? I'll take requests.
PM: For the love of God, shut the hell up!!!
Mickey: Hmmmm....I don't know that one. Hey, Lita probably knows, it's probably some U2 b-side or something...LITA! Where are...oh, right insane, murderous rampage.
(meanwhile, our robot friend has caught up with the group)
Robot Mickey: Hello, everybody.
Tork: Mickey! Great to see you man. How'd you find us?
Robot Mickey: I just looked, and looked, and I found you guys.
Rimmer: Wait a minute...something doesn't seem right.
Evil Mike: Yeah...the real Mickey wouldn't be able to find us this quick.
(Cave Rimmer whacks Robot Mickey with her club. While I'm sure PM practices good craftmanship, good craftmanship doesn't stand a chance against Cave Rimmer's club...the robot breaks open upon impact)
Tork: Huh. Did Mickey always have these gears in his head?
Rimmer: This must be PM's doing...and looks like he forgot how bad Mickey is with directions.
Evil Mike: Wait...what's that noise in the bushes (a shadowy figure emerges, it's another Mickey Robot)
Rimmer: Wow, PM is persistent. Cave Me, you know what to do...
(time passes, and soon there are at least 39 Robot Mickeys laying on the ground)
Rimmer: There. I think that's the last one. I haven't seen one...one walking anyway...in the last few minutes. Let's go back to finding Lita.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bbpard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Hey, I canplay dirty, too. A shame all those robots are gone, though. I liked having other me's around. Lita and Rimmer get everything.
(Lita, it's November 2nd. Why'd you need me to look at a calender?)
#931
<Rimmer and the group stumble...
Date: 11/02/2001
From: Carmelita9000
(wait for it, wait for it…)
…upon Buffalo. He's still lying on the ground. He's still crying. And you have no idea how much I look forward to writing more Guffalo dialogue. *shudder*>
Buffalo: *quietly* Why, Cupcake II? Why ahre you so cruel tah yer Little old Buffalo Bill?
Rimmer: Gah! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Porky Gluteus? <Rimmer looks around, suddenly apprehensive> Is Porky Gluteus here?
Buffalo: Ah caint do nothin. Not since mah sweet little Cupcake II stole mah heart away.
Tork: How can your heart be stolen by a snack pastry? That's pretty sick.
Buffalo: Don you say nothin bad about Cupcake II! She's a beautiful womahn.
Rimmer: All right. He can't be talking about Lita. She looks like hell.
<Rimmer thinks I look like hell? I'll have to get her…>
Tork: What happened?
Buffalo: Wahl, ah was jus stahndin aroun out heyre, doin mah thing, when she comes a'tearin out of those thar trees. And she saiyd some turribly mean thaings about mah intellahgince, and she mahd me cry.
Rimmer: Ok. Maybe he is talking about Lita. What happened next?
Buffalo: Wahl… hey wait. Whay is that man with you people all nekkid?
Rimmer: He likes to be nude. He thinks it's freeing. Go on.
EM: Actually, it's a little cold out here. I wouldn't mind some pants or a filthy overcoat or something.
Rimmer: Go on, Billy Bob. What happened next?
Buffalo: Mah naime ain't Billy Bob…
Rimmer: Tell the story!
Buffalo: She stahrted to git ahll sweet on me, but then she kicked me in my epiglahtis.
Rimmer: Oh Dear Lord! She kicked you in the throat? Are you ok??
Buffalo: Nah, you don know nuthin about phisiolugy. She kicked me in the stomach, Ah said.
Rimmer: Oh. Right. Why didn't I realize that?
Tork: Then what?
Buffalo: She rahn ahway, leavin her poor little Buffalo ahll ahlone. Why diyd you go, Cupcake II? What did Ah do wrong?
Rimmer: Which way did she go?
<Buffalo poins in the direction Lita ran off to, and the search party all head that way. They leave Buffalo lying alone in the woods to mourn his loss. Or get eaten by a bear. Whichever helps the story more.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
does not kill small animals.
Even when she's insane.
That's Evil Mike's deal.
(Mickey, no reason. It's probably all part of my insanity. And you fell for it. HA!)
#932
Soup deprivation...
Date: 11/02/2001
From: PharaohMobius
<<<Mmm-mmm-good! Mode>>>
...must have made Mickey delirious! He thinks that I took him hostage! Sucker!
Reviewing my post, I realize that I didn't make it as clear as I had wanted to, but...
"[PM, Sam, and Nabut get into PM's Sky Chariot. PM can be heard within the chariot. "Stop spitting on me!" Nabut can be heard to reply, "I can't help it! Take off your hat, Peach Pit!". "I'm going to have to do something about that conditioning," PM says as they fly off.] "
...says nothing about me taking Mickey with him. In truth, I left him in a Nabut disguise, in the care of Robot Mickey.
So you see, Mickey's not my problem! He's yours (and the now-defunct Robot Mickey, I guess...)!!!1!
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
No soup for you, Mickey!!!11! >=)
Sarcophagus!
#933
Yeah? Well...
Date: 11/02/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
...maybe you were going to take me hostage, but then, I drove you insane with all my talking and singing, so you just left me there. Yeah, that's it. I'm not the one with the problem.
And maybe my reply happened in the middle of your reply, you ever think of that? And the robot guarding me? He left his post to defend his "brother's" honor. (Yes this robot had emotions, don't even think of pulling that old "But he can't feel" routine on me).
Does that make sense? No? Good, you big bully.
(Starts to cry, takes his ball and goes home)
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
I'm going to call my sister, and she's bigger than you, and she's going to beat you up.
Ok, I'll come back, and I won't call my sister. And I'm sorry I called you a bully.
#934
So....
Date: 11/02/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Do Rimmer, Evil Mike, Tork, Cave Rimmer, and Lita42 know that the Nabut they're wandering around with is Mickey? Seeing as how they saw through the whole robot thing so fast? If so, why haven't they freed him yet? Are they just being jerks? What do I care? I'm way over somewhere else!
<Lita looks up at the sky, and sees PM's sky chopper flying over head. Either PM is escaping really slowly, or he's circling the area to look for Buffalo, or less time passed than we thought, or Lita's just walked really far, but there it is. She picks up a rock and throws it at them. It's a surprisingly good shot. The rock hits the chopper blades, breaks one off, and the chopper goes down. Lita watches it fall out of the sky and crash not far from her. She heads toward the wreckage.>
#935
Seems like the nice thing to do
Date: 11/02/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
Knock knock? Who's there?
(Mickey starts incoherently yelling that he's not Nabut)
Rimmer: Is Nobutt trying to say something?
Tork: It sounds like he's saying "I WANT SOME SOUP"
Mickey (as Nabut): NFFFF NFFF NFFFT.
Evil Mike: Sounds like secret code. He's trying to contact PM. Let's kill him.
Cave Rimmer: Hold still (ready to swing)
(Suddenly, a large piece of metal, probably cut off from a helicopter's propellor, falls in front of them)
Tork: AHHHHHHH!!! Hold me, Rimmer. I'm scared.
Rimmer: Oh shutup, you big fraidy cat. Let's keep going.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
They didn't rescue me? The nerve of them.
#936
[Sam] Wow, that was a good shot!
Date: 11/02/2001
From: PharaohMobius
<<<Crash Mode>>>
[The Sky Chariot is crashing following Lita's devastating rock throw.]
[Nabut] You're telling me! She broke the rotor blade and everything!
[PM] Yeah, that's pretty impressive, considering that the Sky Chariot isn't even a helicopter, but rather flies using hover-jets!
[Nabut] Then why are we crashing?
[PM] Oh, you know how they get when I quibble with them over continuity. Better to just go with it.
[The Sky Chariot crashes and in typical Pulp fashion politely waits until its occupants evacuate before it explodes in an impressive fireball.]
[Nabut] Great. How are we gonna get home now?
[PM] Well, I guess we'll have to teleport.
[Sam] What th--?!? Why didn't we just teleport in the first place?!?
[PM] We couldn't just teleport everywhere! Where's the style in that? It's in the Pulp Villain's handbook: "No matter what brand of Evil™ you practice, you must at all times attempt to practice it in style."
[Nabut] He's right; you can't just use your most powerful toys right out; you have to build up to them. It's just part of the Code.
[Sam] I don't care what you cats say. You'll always be goofy bastards in my book.
[PM, Nabut, and Sam vanish in a flash of light and reappear at PM's home base.]
The mad Pharaoh Mobius
Oops, looks like I forgot Buffalo
Oh well, he can find his own fool way home
Sarcophagus!
#937
<Lita gets to the crash site...>
Date: 11/02/2001
From: Carmelita9000
)))))))))))))(((((((((((((
<...just as PM and his entourage are teleporting out. But as far as she's concerned, they aren't getting away that easily. She dives for Sam, and grabs his leg just as he starts to disappear, and is pulled along with him. (Does teleportation work like that? It does now. Anybody who doesn't like it can stop whining and jump up my butt.) She reappears along with him in PM's base. (That's MSTBlanca, isn't it? Or does PM have another base? I'll just avoid that particular issue until I get some sort of indication. All right. Enough with the parenthetical asides.) Everybody looks at her, kind of surprised. Lita lets go of Sam's leg.>
PM: Lita! You're here! Imagine that!
Lita: What, you couldn't just wait until I got over there? You had to leave right away? You're too good to talk to me?
PM: Oh, no! It's just that Sam had some brownies in the oven, and we kind of wanted to take them out before they burned.
Sam: Oh, yeah! I'd better get to that.
Lita: NO! It's too late! Don't try to talk your way out of it! I'm really angry!
Sam: By the way, do you know where Buffalo is?
Lita: I beat the snot out of him, that's where he is!!!
Sam: That doesn't even make any sense. It certainly doesn't answer the question-
Lita: SHUT UP!!! I'm sick of all this talking. That's it. Who wants to come get some?
<The three men look at each other, then they all raise their hands. Lita is somewhat surprised by that reaction. She falters for a moment, then makes an important realization.>
Lita: I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, YOU PERVERTS!!! I MEANT WHO WANTS TO FIGHT!!!
<The three men put their hands back down.>
PM: Lita? Are you all right? You seem a little… different somehow. Kind of louder. You know?
Lita: Oh! I'm sorry! Do you want me to lower my voice? Am I a little to shrill for you? Is that your problem? YOU DON'T LIKE ME EXPRESSING MY EMOTIONS???
PM: Oh for the love of Pete…
Nabut: Why did you even come here? Just to start a fight? We've got you totally outnumbered, and outgunned. What, are you insane?
Lita: I wish people would stop asking me that… It drives me CRAAAAZY!!! <Lita raises her fists> All right! I'm done talking! Let's go, guys! Right now!
Sam: What do you think, Boss? I think I could take her, but I wouldn't feel right about hitting a girl.
PM: You don't have to hit her. Just use the-
<Pharaoh Mobius is interrupted in his instruction when Lita punches him. Apparently she's gotten sick of waiting for everybody to quit trying to talk things out like rational people. Much violence ensues from this point.>
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
Come on! I've been itching for a fight all day!!!1!
#938
Movin' the story along...
Date: 11/03/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
4444444444444444444444444444
Iork: So it's settled then?
Evil Mike: Yup.
Rimmer: I hope when we find Lita, she understands she brought this on herself.
Mickey (as Nabut) Nffff nffff!!!
Rimmer: That's right, NoButt. Hey, who gave you permission to talk?
(Evil Mike punches Nabut)
Evil Mike: Hey, punching Nabut is just like punching Mickey!
Tork: Well, when we do find her, I just hope we don't hurt her.
Rimmer: Oh, we'll hurt her, all right.
Tork: I was hoping you wouldn't.
Evil Mike: Tork's right. We need hurt her, bigtime.
Tork: No, don...Why would you want to see her hurt, Evil Mike?
Evil Mike: No one, and I mean NO ONE turns me down when I'm naked.
Rimmer: See, why do you put up with her crap? If I was her, you'd always be naked.
Tork: Hey, I have a thought. What if somehow our Lita got switched with one of her clones?
Rimmer: Nope. This is the real Lita. At least, I hope so, I've always wanted to do this.
Mickey (as Nabut): NFFFFF NFF NFFFFFFFFFFFFF NFFFFFF NFFFF!
Evil Mike: Will someone take his gag off? This is getting very annoying.
Rimmer: Yeah, sure. I'm getting sick of it too. Plus, he needs the air. (removes Mickey's gag)
Mickey: WELL, IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!
Rimmer: OK, that's enough air.
Mickey: No, wai...nfff (gag goes back on)
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Really, really didn't want it to come to this, but you left me no choice, Lita...oh wait, you don't know about it...yet.
#939
<Later, at Mobius's Lair...>
Date: 11/03/2001
From: Carmelita9000
la la la!
<…(or MSTBlanca... I'm still not sure where this place is), Lita is sitting on the floor, tied up and looking mostly unharmed, but grouchy. PM, Sam, and Nabut are standing around comparing injuries. The room is pretty well trashed. Between the four of them, just about everything in the room has been broken, or at the very least knocked over. Enough descriptions. Let's get to the dialogue.>
PM: Well, I'm glad that's over.
Sam: <Looking at a number of bite marks up and down his left arm> I better not have rabies, man. That would make me very un-mellow.
Lita: Oh, yeah that would be a shame, wouldn't it, Mr. "I'm better than everybody else, because I can become invisible!" Why don't *you* bite *me*?
Sam: I'm not going near you again! You know, being invisible isn't all it's cracked up to be! When I first got invisibility, I couldn't even control it! All I could do is sit around and say, "What the hell happened to me?"
Lita: <in a mocking tone> "What the hell happened to me? Nnnugh!"
<Sam glares at her, then turns away. His shoulders are shaking, but I wouldn't accuse a manly man like Sam of crying…>
Sam: <his voice is breaking> I'm going to go… check the brownies now! *sob*
<Sam rushes from the room>
PM: I don't think rabies is her problem.
Nabut: What do you think it is?
Lita: Yeah, PM. Why don't you enlighten us with more of your inane technobabble? I'm sure all of us could use a nap!
<PM, ignoring her, sees his hat on the floor. He picks it up, puts it on, and Nabut immediately spits in his eye.>
PM: Oh yeah.
<He takes his hat off again and throws it onto a nearby table. The table collapses.>
PM: It seems to me that there's some demon hanging around and influencing Lita to behave badly.
Lita: Brilliant deduction, Holmes! I can see why you went to college!
Nabut: Do you have any devices or anything to shut her up? Like a mute button or something?
PM: I sure do.
<PM pulls out a roll of duct tape, and tapes Lita's mouth shut.>
PM: Problem solved.
Nabut: Why would it do that? The demon, I mean. Why would it want to make her such a bitch? Besides the fact that demons in general just like to cause trouble.
PM: Clearly, it's feeding off of the resulting negative energy. The only way to stop it is to kill the demon. Don't you watch your Weekly Vampire-Based Programming?
<For no apparent reason, Lita throws a fit. It's not a very effective fit though, since she's tied up pretty well.>
PM: It's important to know these things in our line of work. I suggest you start watching these shows right away. Never miss a week!
Lita: MMMMGGRRRHHH!!!!!
Nabut: Yes, my Peach Pit. But I want to watch some Gallagher first.
PM: Riiight…. More of your conditioning, I expect. <To Lita, who is still making a really big fuss.> Oh, knock it off! Nobody's listening!
Nabut: <Not looking too hopeful> So… are we going to help her?
PM: Who am I? Her mother? If she's feeling so fighty, she can kill the thing herself. I say we get rid of her as soon as possible, before she causes us more trouble.
<Just then, Sam rushes into the room holding a plate of what looks like charcoal briquettes, no, wait… those are the brownies. He's covered in soot, and smoke is pouring out of the door he just came through.>
Sam: I've got some very un-mellow news, guys. Because of the fight, we waited too long to get the brownies, and now the kitchen's on fire.
<They all look at Lita, who has a smug look on her face.>
PM: Just what we need. I guess we ought to get that fire out before the whole lair burns down.
===================================
<Back by the crashed sky chariot, Rimmer, Tork, Evil Mike, Lita42, Cave Rimmer, and "Nabut" are assembled, discussing future plans. Suddenly, a door appears out of nowhere. It opens, and Lita appears, all tied up, and her mouth taped shut. Pharaoh Mobius is standing behind her, looking generally ticked-off. There's also quite a lot of smoke. PM kicks Lita out the door, and, since her feet are tied she falls to the ground.>
PM: And stay out!
<He slams the door loudly, and it disappears. The group gathers around Lita, a little worried about getting too close. Lita looks at "Nabut." She doesn't say anything, she can't. But the look in her eyes (because she has an expressive face) says, in a singsongy voice. "I know something you don't know!">
Rimmer: Is that a fact, Lita? Well, whatever it is, we're not interested. All right, guys. You know what you have to do.
Lita
Queen Bitch
Blah Blah Blah
would almost never have turned down Evil Mike in her right mind.
Too bad for her, her buddies don't know about the demon.
#940
Boy, that's creepy.
Date: 11/03/2001
From: Carmelita9000
000000000000000000000000000000
This has nothing to do with the RP. I just think that big smiling thumb that appears at the top of my computer screen from time to time is scary. Maybe I'm just narrow-minded, but it's my opinion that no part of a person's body should have facial features, other than the front of that person's head. It's this same kind of thinking that causes me to have to look the other way whenever that freaky singing belly-button commercial comes on. It's my feeling that in general if people try to sing with any part of their bodies other than their mouths, the result is going to be kind of disgusting.
All right. I'm done with this reply. I just had to get that off my chest. It's not like it's really off-topic. The ad does appear on this bboard. And it creeps me out every time.
Lita
#941
Rimmer: Tee-hee...
Date: 11/03/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.
(Cave Rimmer sneaks up behind Lita and hits her with her club. Lita is lying down on the ground, unconcious)
Rimmer: Simple, but effective. Ok, now...where's the rope?
Tork: Don't look at me,
Lita 42: I don't have rope.
Evil Mike: What rope?! You just promised me violence.
Rimmer: OK, so we don't have any rope...no, wait! I've got an idea. We.ve been carrying this thing for way too long. PM didn't want to rescue him, that's fine (unties Mickey/Nabut) go, run, find your precious pharoah.
(Mickey/Nabut stays there)
Rimmer: Fine, be that way. But from now on you walk with us, no more free rides.
(Rimmer starts to tie up Lita)
Evil Mike: Anyone else starting to get turned on?
Rimmer: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Now, for the gag (rips it off Mickey?Nabut's face)
Mickey as Nabut: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Tork: Ok, she's tied up. Now what do we do?
Rimmer: We just leave her.
Evil Mike: You know what would be funny? We leave Nabut right next to her and he's "cuddling" her.
Rimmer: That would be disgusting....but on the other hand, serves her right. Ok, Nabut...hold still.
Mickey as Nabut: Wha(gets hit by Cave Rimmer's club and is tied up with Lita)
Evil Mike: Lucky guy.
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Won't Lita be surprised when she wakes up? Don't hit.
#942
Well sure!
Date: 11/03/2001
From: Tork_110
Let's just all tie ourselves to Lita!
( I do not want to be around when Lita beats you dead, Mickey. )
#943
Guess what, Kids.
Date: 11/03/2001
From: Carmelita9000
...........................
PM already tied me up and taped my mouth shut. What are you doing, binding and gagging a person who's already bound and gagged? That's what I call overkill.
I don't have time to add to the plot right now. I'm just saying...
Lita
#944
FINE!!!
Date: 11/03/2001
From: MickeyTheGardener
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
(Rimmer had to tie you up even more because you were being *THAT* much of a problem.)
Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
Friend to All
Is done explaining his stupidity. Again.
#945
<Lita comes to.>
Date: 11/03/2001
From: Carmelita9000
gratuitously long post follows
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
<And boy is she annoyed to find herself tied to Mickey. Of course, he's disguised as Nabut, but Lita already knows that he's not really Nabut, because she saw Nabut at PM's place. She doesn't know it's Mickey. But that's beside the point. She'd be pissed off no matter who it is. Mickey is fortunate in that Lita is tied up, and so is fairly limited in her attack options. He's unfortunate in that she's tied to him, and is able to squirm around and knee him in the groin, which she does.>
Mickey: <who is no longer gagged> OW!!!!
Lita: <who is gagged> MMMMPH!!! *knee*
Mickey: OUCH! Stop it, all right!?!? This isn't my fault!!
<Lita, somewhere deep down inside, knows this to be utterly untrue. Not that it would have made any difference to her if it was.>
Lita: MMP HMMRMM! *knee*
Mickey: AAAAAGHH!!!1!!!1!
<And it goes on like this for several hours. Considering that they're both tied up, and unable to free themselves, there's not much else to do. Presently, Buffalo emerges from the woods, looking a little red around the eyes.>
Buffalo: *to himself* Oh, my darlin' Cupcake II… What did Ah do tuh maike you leave? <He sees Mickey and Lita lying on the ground together.> Nabut! What the Hayll are you doin' wuth mah girlfriend?
Mickey: I'm not Nabut, and Lita's not your girlfriend.
Buffalo: Nah don you trah ter play yer mahnd gaimes ahn me, nah. Ah don' know who Lita ais. But Ah cain see yer Nabut. An Ah cain see yer down thair snugglin with mah sweet little Cupcake II!!!
Mickey: No! I'm Mickey! Pharaoh Mobius put me in this disguise, and Rimmer and the others tied me to Lita….er… Cupcake II. Look, I'd like to let go of her right now, but you need to untie me so that I can. All right?
<Buffalo thinks about this for a little while. (It takes thoughts a long time to seep through his brain)>
Buffalo: Ahll rahght. But you better naht be trahyin' ter play no tricks on ol' Buffalo. It aint easy tuh put one payst me.
<Buffalo pulls out his pocket knife, and starts cutting away the ropes around Mickey.>
Mickey: You'd probably better leave her tied.
Buffalo: Yeah. She's a firecracker, she ais! Ah don' payck no weak wimmin!
<Mickey gets up and brushes himself off. He can't take off his Nabut disguise, because it's a hologram, and he doesn't know how to work the gizmo. Buffalo cuts the ropes around Lita's feet so that she can walk, but leaves her arms tied.>
Mickey: So, now what?
<Buffalo starts walking, pulling Lita along behind him. Mickey follows.>
Buffalo: Ah thaink we should go tuh mah pairents house. Taint far from heire. I'd lahke tuh introduce mah new girlfriend tuh mah folks.
Mickey: She's not really your girlfriend, you know.
Buffalo: Ah know. But she remahnds me of mah mama. Ah thaink Ah cain win her heart. Ah just waish Ah knew how.
Mickey: You like to sing, right? You know, she really likes U2 music.
Buffalo: Railly? Ah don' know no U2 songs, but Ah cain learn.
Lita: MMmMH!!!
Buffalo: Ahl taike this taipe off. Any girlfriend of mahne deserves tah speak her mind.
<He rips off the duct tape.>
Lita: OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! DAMMIT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? AND MY NAME ISN'T CUPCAKE II!!!1!1! IT'S CARMELITA 9000!!!! CAN YOU SAY THAT???? OR ARE YOU JUST TOO STUPID???
Buffalo: Ah thaink y'all whul lahke mah mama, Cupcake II. Ah caint wait till yah meet her!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
is cutting it here.
It's getting too long.
Part II follows.
#946
The rest of the gratuitously long post.
Date: 11/03/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Because Lita can't shut up.
======================================
<Some time later, Buffalo, Lita, and Mickey come to a doublewide trailer sitting in the middle of a patch of dirt. There's lots of garbage all around. Buffalo opens the door, and leads the other two inside. A woman is sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. She looks very bitter, and she's smoking. In fact, she doesn't stop smoking through the entire conversation. She could give Mrs. Hargrove a run for her money as Cigarette Hag of the Year.>
Buffalo's Mom: <Looks at her only son> What the Hell do you want?
Buffalo: Hah, Mama! How are you doin'?
Buffalo's Mom: Oh, like you even care! I've never heard of such a good for nothing son! I'm so ashamed of you, never coming to visit your mother! Where have you been, off with your fancy new friends? You're too good to ever come see us? I should have never let your father knock me up.
Buffalo: <completely oblivious to the abuse> Ahm glaid yer ok, Mama. Hey, Ah want ter interduce yah to mah frainds. Thais here's Nabmickey <Mickey: Close enough.>. And here's mah darlin' little Cupcake II.
Buffalo's Mom: Cupcake II? What the hell kind of an idiot name is that?
Buffalo: Whall, her rail name's Carmahlayta Ninethousin. But ahvrybody cahlls her Cupcake II.
Lita: You idiot! Nobody call's me Cupcake II!! You're the only person on the planet who's ever been retarded enough to call me Cupcake II!! Everybody else calls me Lita!
Buffalo's Mom: You tell him, honey. Don't let my braindead boy tell you how to think. I tell you. The stupid comes from his father's side of the family. He's a chip of the stupid old block. His father should be home later. Damn, I hope he doesn't bring in some piece of roadkill for dinner again.
Lita: <to Buffalo> And I'm not even *your* Cupcake II! I'm not yours at all! I find you completely repulsive!
Buffalo: You an Nabmicky cain stay en mah room. But no funny stuff! Ahl show you whair it is.
================================
<Later, Lita, all tied up, is sitting alone in Buffalo's room, glaring angrily at his Superman bedsheets. Mickey comes in smiling.>
Mickey: Hey, Lita! Are you in for a big surprise!
Lita: There's not enough punching in the world that would be enough for you. A room full of an infinite amount of monkeys could punch you for eternity, and they still wouldn't be able to punch you enough. If I weren't tied up right now, I'd punch you so hard, your head would snap back into your--
<Mickey puts the tape back over Lita's mouth, and winks at her.>
Mickey: You'll want to be quiet for this.
<Buffalo comes in with his guitar.>
Lita: <sounding worried> MMmmph?
Buffalo: Cupcake II, mah luv, Nabmickey haire hais been kahnd enough tah taich me ah song thait Ah know will wain yer heart! It's One, bah U2.
Lita: <even more worried> MMMMMMPPPHHHHH!!!!!
Buffalo: Ais et getting' baitter? Ur do yeh faiel thuh saime?
Whal ait maike et eisaer on yeu, nah… Yeh've got someone ter blayme….
<Nobody ever thought it would be possible, least of all Lita, but Buffalo sings U2 even worse than Mickey sings U2.>
Lita: <very upset> MMMMMNNNRRMMRHHHMMM!!!!
Buffalo: One luv… one lahfe. Whun ayt's one nayed, en thuh naight…
Lita: Mmmhh-hmmm-hmmm!!!1!!1!
<Lita starts to cry.>
Mickey: Hey, Buffalo! I think it's working! You've really moved her! Look how overcome with emotion she is!
Buffalo: WEEAAAAHHOOOOO!!!!! WOOOOOHHHAAAAAYYYYYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
<There's a pounding on the wall, and they hear Buffalo's Mom shout through the door.>
Buffalo's Mom: Will you shut up in there, you stupid redneck?!?!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
is *NOT* falling for Buffalo.
And is going to really get Mickey
if she ever manages to get untied.
Buffalo's Mom doesn't have an accent. Aren't you relieved? I know I am!
#947
<Rimmer's driving to Show & Tell when...
Date: 11/04/2001
From: Carmelita9000
(Yeah. Three in a row! Whoda thunk?)
...she hits something. See, she hasn't been a very attentive driver for the past few minutes, because Evil Mike has been a very distracting passenger. The less said about that, the better. Tork has been in the back seat, covering his eyes and wishing he hadn't chosen to tag along. Anyway, Rimmer hits something, and they all get out to investigate. Turns out she's hit some sort of animal, but nobody can decide what it is. It looks like a really furry pig with wings, a long tail with a point at the end, a cape, and is holding a pitchfork. Rimmer makes some comment about how this is exactly why there should be government controls on mad science, and how it's never good to tamper in God's domain. They pull the animal out from under the car. Whatever it is, it's very dead. They drag it to the side of the road, and get back in the car. Rimmer refuses all of Evil Mike's enthusiastic requests that she try to hit some more animals, and maybe even some people. She drives much more carefully after this.>
*Batman sounding scene change music!!!*
<Lita is lying in Buffalo's bed. She is none too thrilled that Buffalo is also lying in Buffalo's bed, asleep, but figures it probably never occurred to him that he could sleep somewhere else. Lita is only there because nobody asked her opinion on the matter. She doesn't know what Mickey's excuse is for also sleeping in that bed, but hopes he's enjoying trying to sleep with Buffalo's arm across his face. Lita really wishes the bed weren't so small. At least nobody was foolish enough to try anything naughty. In any case, it's late at night, and though Lita isn't aware of it, it's about the same time that all that stuff happened in the previous scene, with Rimmer hitting the ugly creature and all. Lita has woken up, and she suddenly feels entirely different. For the first time in days, she's in a good mood. However, she's not sure how she'd convince anybody else of this, and decides to make her escape. She rolls out of bed (it's fortunate she's on the edge, Buffalo was adamant on that point, he didn't want to give Mickey a chance to try anything) and onto the floor. She moves around a bit until she manages to get over to Buffalo's pants, and takes his knife out of his pocket. (Now, don't any of you perverts get any funny ideas. Nothing nasty went on. Buffalo is wearing pajama pants. How many of you go to sleep in your jeans?) She manages to cut the ropes that are tying her, and pull off the tape on her mouth without waking anybody. She quietly heads for the bathroom, and writes Buffalo a nice letter all about how he's a nice guy and everything, but she's not ready for this kind of a relationship with him, and besides, there's somebody else that she was with before she even met Buffalo, and she hopes he understands and they can still be friends. She sneaks back into Buffalo's room and leaves the note. She decides not to bring Mickey along on her escape for a couple of reasons. The first is that he's been really non-supportive the last couple days, and she just doesn't trust him anymore. The second is that he's also been really mean to her the last couple days, and he really hurt her feelings. *sniff* :( . So Lita has decided to leave on her own. As she heads for the front door, she hears a raspy voice from the living room corner.>
Buffalo's Mom: So, you're leaving my boy, are you?
Lita: I'm sorry. I just really can't stay-
Buffalo's Mom: Don't be sorry. I don't blame you. I'd have left here a long time ago if Buffalo's father weren't so great in the sack.
<Lita takes a moment to digest this information, then decides it's not the kind of information she wants to digest. She opts for a quick getaway instead.>
Lita: Ok,wellit'sbeenrealnicemeetingyou,Buh-bye!
<Lita rushes out the door and runs off to find Evil Mike. (Ok, and the others too. I guess.)>
Buffalo's Mom: Now, that Nabmickey kid. There's a young man I don't mind having around here. I wonder if he's ever known the love of an older woman…
----------------------------------
<Lita keeps running until she gets to a town. She takes this opportunity to do a little shopping. Then she rents a hotel room so that she can get some sleep, clean herself up a bit, and put on some clothes that aren't all black and wrinkled and smelly. She can't imagine why Buffalo was so attracted to her. Her sparkling personality maybe? Anyway, the next morning, she heads back out onto the street to see if she can find the rest of the group. In an incredible coincidence that I'm sure none of you could have anticipated, Rimmer happens to be driving through that area right then. Rimmer stops the car, and there's some heated discussion inside about whether Rimmer should step on the gas and get away as fast as she can, or if she should step on the gas and hit Lita as hard as she can, or if they should try to capture Lita so that she can't spread her hatred all over an unsuspecting world. It is while they are arguing that Lita runs up to the car, opens a door, and pulls Evil Mike out. For the record, Evil Mike is wearing clothes. He is in public, after all, and nobody needs him to get arrested.>
Rimmer: Oh no! Lita's going to kill Evil Mike!
Tork: Uh oh. We wouldn't want that to happen.
Rimmer: We have to stop her!
<Lita doesn't kill Evil Mike, though. She does kiss Evil Mike, which is entirely the better option. Evil Mike is slightly surprised that she's kissing him, but not so surprised that he would try to stop her. Rimmer and Tork get out of the car, and assess the situation.>
Rimmer: So… Lita. Does this mean you're done being all mean?
Lita: Mm-hmm.
Rimmer: What was wrong, anyway?
Lita: <She's still kissing Evil Mike, but for the sake of clarity, I'm not going to try to type what it sounds like when she tries to talk around that.> I don't know. I couldn't help it! Phaforyahalamaha seemed to know what the problem was. But I really wasn't listening when he explained it to Nabut. I did catch the part where he said he didn't want to help me.
Rimmer: Punky Monkeyus knew what was wrong with you this whole time? And he wouldn't help you? But you know what that means… He was probably the one who caused whatever it was in the first place!
<It occurs to Lita that this is a pretty broad leap in logic. But she's really not feeling all that argumentative, so she decides to just go with it.>
Lita: Yeah. You're probably right. He never apologized for rewriting my posts either.
Rimmer: Don't worry! PM will pay for what he's done to you! And… wait… Did you say you saw Nobutt? But Nobutt was still with us when you were with PM!
Lita: That wasn't Nabut. That was Mickey, cleverly disguised as Nabut.
Rimmer: Oh. That actually explains a whole lot.
Lita: And I did not appreciate finding myself all tied up to him-
EM: That was entirely Mickey's idea. I tried to tell him not to do it, but he was like, "No! Tie me up to Lita! That'll get her good!"
Lita: I thought that might be the case.
Rimmer: Hey, I know you're happy to see Evil Mike again, and everything, but would you two mind not doing that on the back of my car? You're going to dent the trunk.
Lita: <not getting off the car> Sorry, Rimmi. It's just I've been all hateful for, like, days, right? And that's totally against my nature. When all that went away I suddenly felt really… well… I guess I'll just say I *really* wanted to find Evil Mike fast.
Rimmer: Oh right. *sarcastic* So does that mean you're going to make out with the rest of us now too?
Tork: Oh! I hope so!
Lita: Of course not!
Tork: Darn!
Rimmer: You guys are going to scratch the finish. Stop that. Lita, I don't do that kind of thing on your car.
EM: That's because Lita's car is a giant spider.
Rimmer: Oh yeah. Look we'd better get going. Lita, Evil Mike, you two can have the back seat.
EM: Score!
Tork: But-
Rimmer: Tork, you'll have to sit up front with me. Lita, you haven't been around for a while so you don't know. We've been staying at the dude ranch with Jessica and Aunt Dracula.
Lita: I thought you'd be at your place.
Rimmer: I don't want all you crazies at my place! You'd break all my knick-knacks! No, better to go to Aunt Pustule's dude ranch.
Tork: It's really nice since they got rid of the evil headless dead mind-control guy.
Lita: I'll bet!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
Winner of the Coveted Forrester Cup
is all better now! (Yay!)
She gets to go to a dude ranch! (Yippee!)
She sure hopes there aren't any horses there… (Eek!)
All right. I'm sorry. This is the last one for a while. I am willing to let somebody else get a reply in edgewise! :p
Next up: The trip to Flavia's ranch
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